A close friend of mine was dealing with complications from a chronic illness and one of the first things that came out of my mouth when I heard the news was, “What do you need?” Depending on the day, his answers would vary from a slice of gourmet pizza to fresh vegetables to a simple six pack of tomato juice.
He is amazing. And not because he loves gourmet pizza (well, maybe a little because he loves gourmet pizza), but moreso because he can identify and communicate what he needs so easily.
And just like anytime someone we know can do something better than we can, we get a little bummed. That is until we start the self-help rituals or therapy, whichever comes first.
As I think about it, I’m not sure where this particular personality trait came from, but I know it is frustrating to my friends and family. A first years ago though, I discovered that if I couldn’t tell people what I needed, they would decide it for me, and the only child in me did NOT like being told what I need.
Enter 2016, my love of TED talks, and the word vulnerable. After reading two of Brene Brown’s books and studying the concept of vulnerability more, I found that I had some work to do — on myself. I used what I studied and learned to admit some things to myself and others.
My name is Toni. For the past 25 years of my life, I have never been able to tell someone what I need from a relationship. Not my friends. Not my boyfriends. Not my ex-husband. No one.
I have never communicated my needs in a relationship to anyone.
My name is Toni. If you are going to be my friend, I need your support and kindness. I’d like to know that you really want the world to be a better place. I need you to understand that yes I am an extrovert, but when tempered with my only-child nature and LOUD three children, sometimes I absolutely need solace. I need you to know that between essential oils, Google, Shonda Rhimes, channeling my friends who are doctors, and all the medical advice I have ever received for every illness I’ve had, I am the expert on most medical conditions.
To know me, to really know me and love me means you know that the only thing I think I have done right in this world is parent those kids to absolute best of my ability. I need your reinforcement and smiles and hugs for fuel.
Don’t ask me not to be connected to technology. Don’t tell me I’m addicted to my phone. My phone, my computer, and yes, even my tv are important to when, how, and what I write. Yes, writing is how I eat, but it is also how I express my best self. Next to prayer and meditation, it soothes my soul.
To Jay. (Not his real name. Most definitely NOT his real name.) You are probably one of the few people in the world that I know is smarter than me. While I live for information gathering, politics, and the news. I need to feel that our love thrives on mutual respect, admiration, and affection for one another. I need you to tell me what I mean to you in clear terms. If you can’t do that, or won’t do that – then we can’t be anything more than two people who’ve known each other for a really long time.
To Carl. (He’d sue me if I used his name.) When you told me you loved me, I needed you to honor that sentence. I needed you to stop being passive aggressive and doing one action, that was really a reaction, because you don’t like the way I did whatever. Just tell me, or better yet? Do it so I can see what you are talking about.
To David. (You guessed it. Not his real name). Fidelity is important to me. I needed to know that our lives are shared with each other only. I know that in some cultures polygamy and sister-relationships are the norm. Not with me.
To Kyle: (Nope. It’s safe to say that I’m not using real names here at all). I needed you to stop trying to fix things for me and use all of that energy to find solutions to the problems in your life.
To Me. I need you to stop being so critical with every mistake I make. I need you to eat at least 10 servings of fruits and vegetables a day. I need you not to feel guilty when you do something nice for yourself. And Toni, this is the time when you must tell people what you need. Anything less than that is unacceptable.
Hey Twilli 
I absolutely love this post! Coincidentally I just posted about bring vulnerable on my Single Mom Chic FB page. 🙂
Being*
I’m going to check it out!
I am not shy at all. If it’s in my head, I will say it- no matter what it is.
Excellent reminder about doing what is best for each of us. And being clear about needs with others – helps keep your soul healthy and happy!
Karen | GlamKaren.com
As a chronic illness patient, I admire your friend too that can explain what he needs when he needs it. For me, it changes moment to moment and I only ask when I really need something. As an only child, I am fiercely independent so asking for help was difficult (luckily I’ve gotten better in both my pain levels and asking for help ). I’m a mom of 3 LOUD but loveable boys too, I need quiet time and solace. I’m with you on that too!
I am getting better at sharing what I “need” for years I would put everyone ahead of myself so I would never ask for help and would try to do everything on my own.
That doesn’t work so well, so now If I need a hand I ask!
I think this is such a great post. So many of us find it so hard to ask for help. I’m getting better at it but it has taken me years.
Aw it is so good that he voices what he needs despite the pain he is in. We can all learn a lot from that and well done for taking the first step!
It is hard to tell people what you need. A lot of times you don’t know what you need.
I love this so much. I am trying so hard to be vocal about what I need, but it is hard to be that Vulnerable! .
This is so true!! Learning to state what you need is a lesson that at least for me came as I got a little older and wiser. My husband is the first person who kept telling me over and over I can’t read your mind, tell me … Im getting much better at doing that. ❤
this is such a great post to remind each of us that we all need to speak up. We need to NOT assume people know hat we need – we need to open up and speak!!!
I tell some people what is truly in my heart – but not many. I am quite guarded and really don’t let people help me much. I’m pretty self sufficient.
I’m such a closed book when I want to be, I only let how I’m feeling out to one person as they know me more than anyone! Such a heart felt post – loved it! X
It takes a lot of bravery to tell others of the needs, especially for a person with a chronic disease
I love this post! I love your open letter to these men and to yourself. Congrats for figuring out what you need and how to communicate it. I love this. Self discovery at any stage is a beautiful thing. As a school counselor, communication is one thing that I’m constantly teaching my middle school kids. I’m so glad you see the importance of it. Rock on!
I too had an issue with really speaking my mind, and trying to smooth over my true feelings or actions to save others from disappointment and other negative feelings. Now, I look at it as life is too short not to be the realest with others and for yourself. It’s too exhausting the other way.
This post can apply to so many facets of day-to-day to life from friendships, relationships, and even work. I sometimes expect others to read my mind, so this is a good reminder for me to state what I need/want.
I love Brene Brown! I agree, we don’t often ask people what they need, and we often don’t voice it ourselves, instead expecting people to know – at least that is what I used to do. Now I am very forthcoming, I feel like I don’t have time to waste, and getting right to the point seems to work wonders.
I have learned to speak my mind and also to stand my ground. I just had a conversation with someone close to me that is trying to work on this because she feels some co-workers take advantage of her I am sharing this post with her
Wow! Good luck to your friend!
Over the years I’ve become vocal on the way I feel or what I need. This was a great read.
Great read. It’s not easy, but I’ve grown to say what I want and when I’m not happy with something. The key is to feel confidence in who you are and to know the direction you’re going in and to not allow fear to consume you into thinking or feeling guilty if you are left alone.
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