Stop Trying to Get Your Sexy Back

regain sexy-3

We could blame this post on authors like Terry McMillan and Vicki Iovine, who made millions of dollars writing about the loss of grooves and sexiness in women. But we shouldn’t. We could blame this post on the men we’ve loved with wandering eyes and philandering ways. But we shouldn’t. We could, as with all the ills of the world, blame this post on the media, because they sensationalize everything. After all, it really is CNN’s fault if I don’t feel sexy, right?

Wrong. I’ve got a newsflash for women everywhere today. If you feel that you are no longer sexy, if you feel that your sexiness is gone, it’s not. You don’t need to get your sexy back because you never lost it.

Every woman is sexy. Every woman has a goddess within. Every woman is drop-dead gorgeous. It doesn’t matter her age, her size, or her hair color. What matters is that she knows it.

There is a unique and powerful shift that happens in the minds of women as life happens. For some of us it’s just the idea of getting older. For others, it’s giving birth. And for many more women it’s a life-changing career event or momentous occasion. Somehow along the way, we have connected life’s pitfalls to the demise of our sexy.

About ten years ago, I had one goal – to get my sexy back. I had given birth three times, with two of those times being a c-section. My body had ugly scars, the sleep deprivation of parenting toddlers was visible in my eyes, and I had a thyroid that was totally out of control. The last thing I felt was that I was sexy. But the funny thing I’ve discovered is that even though I didn’t feel it, that sexiness still existed within me. And that’s a lesson that took me almost 10 years to learn.

Sexiness is not a temporary state of being, it is an acceptance of your personal power to create, share, and enhance your beauty from within. Sexiness, true sexiness, begins within and manifests itself as a power like no other.

Somehow along the way, we have connected life's pitfalls to the demise of our sexy.

Like many women I know, when I turned 40, I celebrated big. When I look back now on pictures from that celebration, I am pleased with my physical appearance that day.  I’m pretty sure that I was sexy. It  was a great day and I looked and felt beautiful. Not because of the makeup on my face, not because of the cute cowboy hat on my head, but because of the way I felt about myself. It was the way the jeans I wore hugged my body. It was the perfect combination of peach and pink in the shirt I wore. It was the fun and thrill of being surrounded with by some of my closest friends.


Turning 40 taught me that I never lost my sexy.

To say I’ve felt sexy every, single day since I turned 40 though would be a lie. I can say that in the past three and a half years, I have felt sexy more than I did then the entire decade of my 30s. Here are some tips to help you remember your sexy,  no matter what:

  1. Perform one act of pleasure for yourself every day. I mean this in a totally non-creepy way, y’all. (Unless that’s how you roll, and if it is, you do you.) For everyone else, savor 30 minutes to watch the sun rise. Make yourself a cup of hot tea. Light a candle. Do something at least once a day that brings you pleasure. Just for you.
  2. Admire a photo from a time when you were living your best life and take on the energy of that picture. An old friend shared a photo of us on Facebook from the summer after we graduated from high school. That picture represents everything I love about myself. I was young, carefree, I had my whole future ahead of myself, I was hugging one of my best friends in the world, and it was a really good hair day. This photo can be from any era in your life. Put it in a place where you will see it often, and believe the energy from that picture surrounds you now. Check out this example from my life:

This is a photo from the summer of 1990 that represents the energy I love about myself. I channel this photo every, single day.


2016-02-11 13.17.27

This is a selfie I took earlier this year while waiting in the carpool line to pick up my kids one day. I love it because 25 years later, I still feel the energy (and good hair) from the first photo.

3. Be vulnerable to the process of the universe. Trust me when I tell you, being vulnerable is hard, but it is worth it. I personally believe that there are certain laws of the universe and vulnerability is one of them. I’m not even sure of the why, but I know when I opened myself up to both love and loss, I gained more love and peace and joy that I ever had before. Maybe it’s the fact that I didn’t spend all of my time mourning for my hardened heart when I talked about my job or my marriage or my health issues and instead I used that energy to focus on the good in the world.

If you’re interested in exploring the concept of vulnerability more and how it it can work better in your life? Click here to join my free vulnerability challenge starting April 1.

4. Do the work from the inside. Explore your fears, understand why they are your fears, and develop a plan for overcoming those fears. This is an ongoing process, and I’m okay with that. Have I ever told you about my fear of birds? Specifically live chickens? That’s a blog post for another day. Actually, I have written about it and if you’d like to know about that madness in my life, click here. You can also  do some soul searching to ensure you walking in  your purpose every day and manifesting everything your heart desires. (If you’re a reader and you’d like some suggestions on books that can help you do the work, click here.)

5. Pray for the happiness of others. When you tell those in your circle that you are praying for them, what exactly are you praying for? Usually, I’ve said those words when the people I love are faced with a health issue or some type of emotional distress. That night or early the next morning, I pray to God that they are delivered from whatever the problem in their lives was. And if I can be totally honest, that’s it. I don’t typically pray for those in my circle beyond that. Think of how amazing it is to pray for the happiness of others, even if they are already happy. Trust me, they can be happier, and even experience more joy and growth and love. That’s the way the universe works if we just pray for happiness.

The bottom line is this my friends, you are sexy if you know you are, period. Today I challenge you to own that sexy and no matter what happens, maintain it. Will you do it?



28 thoughts on “Stop Trying to Get Your Sexy Back

  1. What a great read filled with wonderful advice! I am reading this at 6:30 this morning, and while my body wants to crawl back into the warm bed next to my fiancé, I think I will take your advice and get out to the park for a morning workout. It’s the little 45 minutes of needed “me” time that will set me up for a successful day… And hey, I’ll feel sexy doing it!! Thanks for the morning pep talk. 🙂 have a fabulous day.

  2. YES GIRL!!! I love this! I tell my husband all the time I’m so glad he loves me for me because I need someone to do that and remind me that I’m worth it and all that other garbage that the world tells me “steals my sexy” is not true. Love!!!

  3. I am so happy I found your blog! I always enjoy your perspective and this is another example of that! Sometimes were all to hard on ourselves and it is in our own attitudes!! Thanks so much for sharing this. It made me think today!!

  4. I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE this post!! One of my biggest things since becoming a mommy is body acceptance! It starts within each of us! I had a very long bed rest that ended in a c-section. I had a year of PT to get my body back to normal-ish. I was left with this “twin skin” that will never ever go away! But, what I lived through gives me strength. My deep well of strength and determination to NOT let life roll me over is my sexiness!! BTW, you just keep rockin yours mama!! My mom is a single mom and raised 4 of us- all teenagers at the same time. I look back and think wow that took some serious strength!! LOL

  5. I needed this today. I have been going through health issues that have made me a shell of myself. I do not feel confident in my looks lately and this empowered me so much. Thank you!

  6. I love the idea to look at pictures! What a great idea! I have been trying to take time for myself every day since the new year. I have two little ones that I homeschool and a 1 year old who takes a consistent afternoon nap now, so we have an afternoon rest time that is now my time, it is definitely needed!

  7. what a great post with an even better message. you are right – we never lose it but sometimes we just need to be reminded that it’s there and perhaps we need a lil road map to find it 😉

  8. I can’t even describe how happy I am to read women saying they are happy with their appearance and fell being sexy! It is so inspiring to other women! Thank you for being you.

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