I had to come to a very scary realization this week. And once I came to it, I had to admit it. To a real person. Because if I didn’t admit it, if I didn’t tell someone, I would push those fears down as long as I could until they bubbled up inside of me and eventually took over my words, my actions, my spirit, and my heart.
So in order to avoid a very ugly emotional breakdown, I decided to deal with the few moments of fear and discuss it my prayer partner. And now, I’m telling you.
Even when God gives me clear direction on an issue, even when I know what He wants me to do, I still wonder if it’s worth it. My exact words in my confession to my prayer partner were, “I know it’s worth it in the end, and I know I’m going to this, but I’m not necessarily ready to do it, to talk about it with others, or to smile about it.
I do recognize the irony of choosing to write about it…but we’re not hear to talk about that today.
Right now, in this moment, I’m wondering the worth of the following:
Homeschooling again. Yep. It’s a consideration this year for one or two of my teens. To be honest, it never stopped being a consideration since I stopped homeschooling two years ago. Because we’re talking high school, we’ve entered unchartered territory for me. I. AM. TERRIFIED.
My super-long summer goals list. My prayer partner and I started the month of June with a lot of lofty goals. We prayed about the list. We discussed the challenges we’d face and the potential successes. We prayed some more. And then we started taking action. And even though we are doing it and doing it well, I.AM. TERRIFIED.
A social media management certification that I’ve had my eye on for a few months now. If I’m not writing or teaching at the college, I’m managing social media for someone. All of my digital marketing experience has been self-taught, but I’m thinking that to stay ahead of current industry trends, I need this certification. What if I fail and everyone thinks I’m a fraud? I don’t even have a degree in marketing. I.AM. TERRIFIED.
Flat-ironing my hair in the summer. I love my curly hair. Usually in the winter though, I wear it straight because I like to feel my flowy locks on the back of my neck during winter. Here we are in June, in 95-degree weather in Texas, and I am considering straightening my mane. For some reason, the thought of this becoming my new do for the whole summer leaves me feeling one way. I.AM.TERRIFIED.
As you can see, my issues of worth run the full gamet. And yes, God and I have had discussions about all five of them. And whether or not any of them are worth it. And whether or not all of the items on this list are really coming from Him. Does God really care about whether or not my hair is curly or straight?
Believe it not, He does. Not because He’s vain, not because he’s angry, and definitely not because He’s trying to get revenge on me for something. It’s because these things He tells me to do are part of a larger plan for the advancement of His kingdom that will bring ultimate glory to Him.
And I don’t have to know what it is.